I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you had me at cake vodka
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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