i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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