I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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