If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
