My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
i think i just lost a toe
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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