I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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