connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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