she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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