She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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