Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
