I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
