Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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