Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
