I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
