He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
