Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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