Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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