Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
third nipple confirmed
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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