You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
