I feel great
I just peed on a car
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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