my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
this is an emotional support booty call
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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