broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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