i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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