If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
This is the high leading the old right now
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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