i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
