my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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