My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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