Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
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I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
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Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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