Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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