you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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