three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
