Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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