he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
