Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You made out with two different species that night
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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