seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
