hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
