Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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