What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
