ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
