i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
