4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
