i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
