Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
