Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
