if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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