So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
