I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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