are you still at the devil's house?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
