i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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