I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You took a bar mat shot.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
