In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
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im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
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I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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