I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
