At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
