You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
