I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
