Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
