A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
