A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
