I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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