I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
