He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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